Forgiveness

Forgiveness Assignment

The health benefits of forgiveness are many, well tested, and well documented.  Use this link and read the article on forgiveness and grudges.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 Links to an external site.

The benefits are many, as are the hazards of the alternative; holding a grudge.  Here's a link to help view it from that side:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/anger/does-holding-a-grudge-hurt-you Links to an external site.

 Here is a simple assignment that will help you move forward into a lifestyle of forgiveness.

To prepare, read the articles in the links above, and read "Forgiveness Tips" and "What forgiveness is NOT"  below.  

Think of someone you need to forgive.  Notice that this may have come to mind very quickly!  Then think of what you need to forgive them for.  Now think some more; there may be more than one thing you can forgive them for.

There are two ways to do this assignment:   

1)   The first is to go to the person you need to forgive to talk about it.  Prepare before you go, doing an inner "inventory" about this hurt.  Try to put yourself in their shoes; do your best to understand and to have compassion.  Remember that forgiveness is NOT a feeling, but a decision, a commitment, and a process.   Release this person as best you can from any repercussions  for their words or actions (or failure to act).     Open the conversation in a very general way such as "Thanks for meeting with me.  I want to talk about when__________, because our relationship is important to me"   ...or something similar with a positive outcome built in.   Then state the occurrence as clearly as possible; "When you did______, I felt_________"    Allow time for discussion using all your empathic listening skills.  Don't get distracted or discouraged if the person gets defensive.  Stay on your mission, and when the time is right, make a clear statement "I forgive you".     A conversation like this doesn't always have a predictable outcome.  Don't get discouraged.   Do your best and write down what it was like for you.   

2)  The second way is to find a person to be a "proxy" or substitute for the person you need to forgive.  Tell them what you are doing.    They will represent the person you need to forgive.  Choosing a substitute person is helpful for a couple of reasons; you may not feel ready to do this with the person who has hurt you, but more importantly, the value of the exercise is in seeing what takes place in you.  It MAY not even be something that needs to be done with the other person, or CAN be done with them.  Maybe the person is someone who is deceased.  Maybe the other person doesn't feel they have wronged you (in fact, maybe they HAVEN'T - it may be your perception that they did, which is enough for you to get serious about forgiving).     Think ahead of time if you want to use the name of the person you need to forgive (or if you need to maintain their confidentiality).  Also think of how you want to phrase the thing they said or did (or didn't do that you needed them to do).  It can be specific, or as general as "I forgive you for what you said (or did or didn't do)".  or… "I forgive you for the way you treated me"  or… "for not giving me what I needed, or being there for me", depending mostly on confidentiality of the person you are forgiving.  

     You can coach the person listening to you ahead of time that when you're done, all they have to say is "Thank you". 

     Your declaration of forgiveness is powerful; "I forgive you for...."  This exercise is not just a "role play".  Something will take place in you and in your relationship when you do this.  Notice what feels different to you after you do this.  Notice if you are not yet able to forgive, and write about these things to turn in for your written assignment.   

Forgiveness Tips

>     If you are in a place where someone has hurt you but you're not ready to forgive them, I encourage you to still do this assignment about that situation.  Just describe to me where you are and what is preventing you from forgiving.  But remember these couple of things:
>> Forgiveness is a decision not a feeling.  This process can be a breakthrough for you even if it helps separate your thoughts from your feelings.  Forgiveness is hard.  It's about you more than about the other person.   It's saying "I'm done wanting you to pay a price for what you did". 

> If the person is still doing the things that hurt you, you can still forgive them.  SOME OTHER THINGS MAY ALSO NEED TO BE DONE, like creating new safe and healthy boundaries, including telling the person "It hurts me when you do that".   You would probably be amazed at how often that needs to be said compared to how seldom it is said.  The opposite is also true; saying what you want, and asking the other person what they want.  "When you talk to me like that, what are you trying to do or get out of it?"

>     So forgiveness doesn't exist in a vacuum - but this exercise is to focus on the importance of it.

>     Remember you DON'T have to tell the other person.  You may want to IF they know there's a problem between you and that they would want to know if they were forgiven.  Be very careful not to use it to manipulate the other person; to try to get them to talk or act in a different way.  Forgiveness is YOU letting go.   The pain may persist, but forgiveness usually opens the door to healing and freedom, and THEN the pain can go away.     YOU will benefit from this, whether or not the other person does.  Sometimes the act of forgiveness in your own heart will give you a different point of view about the other person.  Remember, one hint from the Johns-Hopkins link was to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

What forgiveness is NOT:

1. Approval of what they did

2. Excusing what they did

3. Justifying what they did

4. Pardoning what they did

5. Reconciliation (as in the restoration of a friendship. That is a separate thing and requires the participation of both people)

6. Denying what they did

7. Blindness to what happened

8. Forgetting

9. Refusing to take the wrong seriously

10. Pretending we are not hurt

        From the book Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall

> Be courageous!  Let me know if I can help.    Ron