Empathic Listening

Empathic Listening

This assignment is designed to help you achieve a "next level" ability to listen.  This next level enables us to hear and understand not only the words, but the thoughts, feelings, and values that the other person wants to communicate.  This level of listening can actually help the other person to understand THEMSELVES better!   This level of listening will be familiar to some of you who may be naturally empathic and/or have been trained in it.   When you complete this assignment, you will have taken ONE STEP in this training, and I heartily encourage you to continue practicing it, as it is NOT an easy skill to acquire.   In fact if it doesn't quite make sense or yield the benefits you hoped for, ALL THE MORE REASON to go at it again!

      I know from our lectures that you are good listeners!   I think you will be amazing at this!    Here we go!

Many times as listeners we are filled with our own "story" while listening; our own autobiography, judgments, ways of seeing the world.

Four Typical Levels of Listening:

1.  Ignoring – not listening at all.
2.  Pretending – “uh-huh, yeah.” - you know, when you have your phone on!! 
3.  Selective Listening – hearing certain parts of conversation
4.  Attentive Listening – focused on the words and their meaning.

#4 "Attentive listening” (AKA "Reflective Listening") has been taught for years.  It basically involves repeating or rewording what the other person says to let them know you heard it.  That kind of listening may not come from the heart, and can even insult those “listened to” in that way, since it can come across as a "technique" more than sincere. It is also essentially "autobiographical"; still based on the point of view of the listener. If you practice those techniques, your own story and perspectives may still interfere with true listening.

Fifth Level of Listening: Empathic Listening (AKA “Global” or “Environmental” listening)– listening to understand; seeking First to understand how they view the world through THEIR paradigm (beliefs).

The Listening Golden Rule;  “Listen to others the same way you want them to listen to you.”

Empathy means understanding or “feeling with” the other person.  In Empathic Listening, you listen with your ears, but you also - and more importantly - listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning.  You look and listen for behavior.  Remember; up to 90% of communication is non-verbal (70% visual, 20% vocal characteristics, and 10% words!)   In Empathic listening you use your intuitive right brain as well as your analytical left brain. You sense, you intuit, you feel.  You also observe the context and the environment.  You can even listen to your own inner messages at the same time without them distracting you or “driving” your behavior.  This may sound complicated but we are complex beings and have some amazing abilities that just need to be used and developed!

      To be really listened to makes us feel loved!   When you communicate that you really want to know how the other person feels, what they mean, and the items beneath the surface of their communication, it gives them “psychological air”; room to BE themselves.  It is a tremendous deposit in their Emotional Bank Account – you make them feel loved!    Remember the old saying; "No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care".   In Health Care this is huge!  When your patient knows you have their best interests at heart, they will want to participate in their own care at a much higher level.  

       Basically; you remove judgment from the equation (in all it's forms, including evaluation, correction, etc.)   Simply decline to follow that urge we sometimes have to disagree OR to agree!       To AGREE is also evaluating!    Sometimes – because my brain needs to make SOME response - I think “Hmm. That’s interesting!” and say “tell me some more about that”, rather than making a personal judgment about agreeing or disagreeing.   Saying "uh-huh" is a natural thing to do to show the person we are listening, not to say we agree. 

Take your time!  Allow plenty of time to listen.  Let your person know how much time you want to spend on this.  If the person has more to say, plan another time to finish. 

Use your body language, especially eye-contact to convey that you care.

Listen for the expressions of FEELINGS - because they reveal how important things are to the person.  Expression of pain or sadness may be uncomfortable for some listeners.  Get over it!!   ;>)   In fact, this is where you ask effective questions.

Ask effective questions.  If the person is "telling their story", let them go on!  When it feels like time for a question, form one that takes the conversation to a deeper level, not one that will change the subject.   Especially help them express the FEELINGS they have about this if they are not describing feelings yet.    

Assignment:  Choose a friend, classmate, or family member to have a listening encounter with.  Think of something you would like to know more about in their life; it could be something as fun as their hobby or something like how they feel about an event or circumstance in their life or in the world (WHAT you talk about is not really that important!    However, we all have a "story" that we wish people could know about us.  Sometimes starting on one topic will lead to another one that is more important to the person.    Inwardly decline to form your own opinions while they talk and DEFINITELY don’t try to FIX anything or give advice!  Your assignment is to be a "treasure hunter" and find the "treasure" inside the person.  Make a few notes for yourself but I don’t want an account of your conversation ("I said… then they said…")

Write your reflections about the conversation; 

What did you learn about them?

What did you learn about yourself? 

What was hard about this?

How will these skills help you in the future?  

Here are some helpful tips! :

 Impart confidence.

     "Confidence is courage wearing its every-day clothes" 

It takes courage and confidence to be a really good listener because you don't know what you're going to hear!  It may be more than you expected; be ready for that.  Be ready to accept what you hear with confidence and without making judgments.  This could be the first time this person has told anyone what they are telling you, and they are watching for your reaction.   We don't want to appear freaked out, but we DO want to be real.  So you can express some emotion, but keep it about the other person; express feelings of concern in a way that will not turn the attention to you.  "Wow, I didn't know you were carrying that around in you"  -or-  "That sounds really hard"  or "What an experience!"  The goal is always to help the person feel accepted and validated just the way they are.  Be careful not to judge what they say, even if you are trying to agree with them.  You can combine being supportive with being neutral.  This provides "space" for them.     

By Invitation Only

     You don't want try to get the person to talk about things they would rather not talk about, yet people often WANT to talk about things but are not given the opportunity.  So we can invite them.

"Would you like to tell me more about that?"  

"Tell me your story"

     The goal of the listening session is to get the person to "tell their story".  It's in the context of story that our feelings really come out.   So ask questions that are "open ended"; that will need a longer answer than "Yes" or "No".   When a person starts talking, step back and listen.  We may only need to ask a question or two to get the person started! 

"How did that make you feel?"

     Most of us are used to saying a lot of things without talking about our feelings.  We can invite the person to share their feelings quite easily.  When you can tell by the person's body language or tone of voice that there are feelings behind what they are saying, simply ask "how did that make you feel?"  

"Playing a Hunch"

     Listen to your own inner dialogue, but BE CAREFUL not to make your thoughts the agenda.  You are listening ALL for the benefit of the other person.  BUT, if you have a thought, a feeling, or a mental picture that may relate to what the person is saying, bring it up.  It may not seem connected, and it may not be.  But if you have been listening well, it probably is!   So check it out with the person; don't assume anything.  In a neutral way you just ask.  If you notice the person might be overreacting to something another person said or did, you might have a hunch they are sensitive in this area because of previous experiences.  So think of an open-ended question that will allow the person to confirm or deny your hunch and that will encourage them to tell more of their story.    NEVER try to get a person to share something they don't want to share.

The "Money Questions"!   

      Simple and effective:       "So… what is your greatest concern?"  (This is a gentle way of phrasing "What are you afraid of?")   -or-   "What makes you worry?" 

      And possibly the most important question you can ask;         "So… what do you want?"      You may be shocked to find out how many people are NEVER asked that question!  

Ending your Listening Session

Declarations

You may be able to impart a sense of value to the person or validate their experience with a "declaration".  An example might be "You made it through all that.  You are a survivor!"  or a statement about your relationship may be affirming to them; "I'm so glad you're my friend". 

Always thank the person

"I'm so glad we did this...   Thank you!"    Always in your own words of course.  This is a good way to close so the person knows you appreciate them and that you value what they said to you.   You can also let the person know you are open to talking with them again if that's the case. 

For more tips, feel free to search "Empathic Listening", "Global Listening", or "Environmental Listening".  

Happy Treasure Hunting!