Thought Provoking Question #11

Life After Losing a Partner: Working Your Heart Back to Life 

American journalist Helen Rowland (1875–1950), in the "Widows" section of her book A Guide to Men (1922), wrote "A widow is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of novelty,  
the tang of practised coquetry, and the halo of one man’s approval." And so we begin again.  

Damian cried out, "Oh help me Maria I’m dying!" These are words on the low rung of grief’s ladder. Damian was not dying, only crying out to his partner Maria who had died some weeks earlier. Returning to life after the loss of beloved partner or spouse is a difficult task.  

Through her many years of work, Elizabeth Kuber-Ross noted psychological reactions in persons who were dying. In particular, she organized a theoretical mode of five stages. (1) dying - "not me," (2) Anger- "Why me?," (3) Bargaining - "Yes me, but...," (4) depression, "Yes, it’s me," and (5) Acceptance - "OK, I accept it’s me." Kuber-Ross’ stages have been misused over the years. She and others have always known that people don’t die in such neat stages. But her theory does give us a framework of what to expect. That is helpful after a death. Others have built on this important framework by including "phases of mourning" and "tasks of mourning."  

John Bowlby, as far back as 1961, proposed that mourning involved four phases: (1) shock and numbness, (2) yearning and searching, (3) disorganization and despair, and (4) reorganization. These phases are important in a overall process called realization. That means making one’s inner psychic world accept what has already happened in the outer world---the death of one’s beloved partner.  

More recently, Willam J. Wooden in 1991, proposed that mourning must be understood in terms of "tasks to accomplish." His four tasks include: (1) to accept the reality of the loss, (2) to work through the pain of grief, (3) to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing, and (4) to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.  

But how does one take these theories and apply them to the real work of personal pain and suffering after a loss of something so significant and important as a partner? What follows are my five steps for working your heart back to life.  

1. Structure Loneliness. Loneliness is the bogeyman of loss. Most people know the value of keeping busy, but few know how to manage that loneliness, especially in the evenings. Inviting close friends over for support is useful. Schedule your weeks after the loss with things to do. Keep readily available self-help books on loss, grief, and mourning. Bookstores have whole sections on loss. Take solace in meditative books and grief tapes, books, and other music. Keep a journal for your loneliest moments and don’t forget reflective time to think and inquire. If you have pets enjoy them more. Take walks and garden with your hands in the soil. Don’t hesitate to seek counseling and medication for the early stages of your grief. Embrace life more.  

2. Accept Others’ Help. What are friends for? Reach out and let those around you help. Research has shown again and again that people what to help those who have lost a loved one. It is something they can actually do in an otherwise horrific situation. Don’t be stoic! Arrange for your family and friends to help you set up a calendar of events and evenings out. Tell them you will be sad and cry at times. Working with and utilizing those around you can be an incredible source of comfort and unity. Accept as many invitations as you can and use the telephone, write email, surf the web, and write letters. Take walks with others and stop to chat. Remember there are may support group services available for loss in your community. In Sonoma County, California where I live, these resources include Face-To-Face and Home Hospice of Sonoma among others.  

3. Make Wise but Minimal Decisions. Don’t make hasty decisions. You don’t need to sell the home, move to Hawaii, or give your late partner’s possessions to Good Will. The first few months are not a time to start over, but rather a time to freshen up from where you’re already at. Take whatever practical help is around. A trusted lawyer and friends can be the best advisors your can have. Run most of your decisions by your trusted counsel and be sure to spend extra time on your diet, nutrition, health, and sleep needs. Grieving is very fatiguing, so exercise and sleep. If you can’t sleep at least rest. Relaxation techniques are well proven in their usefulness during periods of grief and mourning. Put some new energy into your career, education, and growth goals as a human being.  

4. A Note on Faith. I’ve never really met anyone who didn’t believe in anything. Begin a dialogue with god. Reach out to a congregation near you. It has been my impression working with many sick and dying people, that god, however your see god, does not get angry because you only come to them when you are in need. Stick your head in a place of worship and at least see how it feels. Find solace in healing books and soothing classics. Ask those you know who have strong faith to give you some pointers. Spiritual awareness is like a friendship, you need to work on it and to nurture it.  

5. Leave the Baggage of Regrets Behind. Don’t look back at regrets. Leave that psychological baggage behind. Cherish what was good from the memories of your relationship. Perhaps you did make mistakes, perhaps you did shut down on communication while your partner was alive or was dying. We all make mistakes and will continue to. Find closure. One of my favorites is to write a letter expressing all the things you wanted to say to your loved one but didn’t. When you finish, tie it to a piece of floatable wood and send it down a river---the Russian River is perfect where I live. You can even burn it and scatter the ashes to the wind or into the ocean. You loved one will hear!  

I know these five points will be helpful to you, if you will use and follow them. They are based on many years of research and practice. Remember to be gentle, peaceful, and patient with yourself as you move through grief and mourning. In time, the power in each of us grants us peace, love, and exciting new beginnings. I have never seen it fail. Love burns eternal.  

[This article is by J. Davis Mannino and originally appeared in the community newspaper We The People. All Rights Reserved by the author.]