Thought Provoking Question #1

 “I wonder if my first breath was as soul-stirring

to my mother as her last breath was to me.

                                                                            – From 14 Days:

                               A Mother, A Daughter, A Two-Week Goodbye” 

The Importance of Dying and Sexuality

What does dying have to do with human sexuality, you are probably asking. Good question! Granted, we have had a long literary tradition in which orgasm is poetically referred to as "la petite mort," or the "little death" --- a metaphor derived from the momentary loss of self felt during climactic ecstasy. Yet, hopefully this article will answer that question in more literal terms. Let me simply preface what follows with this comment. How are we to embrace love, intimacy, sexuality, and life if we do not understand something about death? Give this some thought as you read on.

In the spring of 1996, a Michigan jury found Jack Kervorkian not guilty for assisting in the suicide of two terminally ill people. He had already "helped out" in nearly two dozen prior suicides. Around the same time, the U. S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco ruled that hopelessly dying people have the right to decide how to end their lives and physicians have the right to help them do so. The "right-to-die" issues of euthanasia and assisted-suicide have raised a lively debate.

Euthanasia comes from the Greek "eu" meaning well and "thanatos," meaning death. Euthanasia has come to mean a "good death." No doubt the controversy will rage on about this good death. But why is it we are all so consumed about death? After all, it ’s a given and a certainty. As the late comic George Burns himself said: "What's this big deal about death all the time ---it's been done!" Why is it we make something so natural into such an unnatural thing? Ours is a most ignorant society when it comes to death. Studies show that about 75% of Americans don't have wills. People seem to fear that to write a will is to somehow rattle the cage of "Old Man Death" and thus have him take note. Most don't have a clue where to begin discussing the death of a pet with a child, let alone grandma’s passing. We don't know how to act at funerals or even how to write a decent condolence letter to the family of the deceased. Generally, the best case scenario is to send a casserole, usually tuna. And why is it, the casseroles are always tuna? No one likes them. If the good Lord were to come down and rise up the deceased so they might eat that casserole, they would not want it either. Promise yourselves you will never send tuna casseroles to funerals. Our culture is terrified of using the word death or dying --- the "D" words as I call them. We prefer euphemisms such as passed away, left us, laid to rest, departed, or transcended. In fact, there are about 150 commonly used euphemisms and slang for death. My favorite is "crossed into cyberspace." Next time you’re out shopping, take a look at some sympathy cards. They almost never use the "D" word. The marketing gurus on Madison Avenue know the American public is not comfortable with those words in their sympathy cards. Hallmark Cards is the king of this type of denial. The cover on one of their cards reads: "They're not gone, they're away!" What remarkable denial! For gosh sakes, where did they go, bowling? What makes complex issues like euthanasia and assisted-suicide so difficult and controversial for most Americans is they haven’t dealt with the more basic questions of death in general, and their own death in particular. If we just can't bear to send a sympathy card which uses the "D" word, or discuss our own mortality and death, then how are we ever expected to resolve more complex issues like euthanasia and assisted-suicide?

What is needed is a national program of death education that begins the process of desensitizing people’s fear of an open and candid discussion of death. We've got to put a halt to depersonalizing issues of death and dying with euphemisms and buzzwords like "oncology ward," "left us," and "friendly fire." We need to look at death the way the health-conscious look at diet, exercise, and good health care. We as Americans should be just as knowledgeable about advance directives--such as living wills, powers of attorney, and probate matters --- as we are becoming about IRA's and 401-K retirement matters. How will we ever be expected to live fully if we spend so much time running from our death phobias? I’m not saying death should be something we love and adore; after all, death does represent much uncertainty. A healthy appreciation of the role of death in our lives might however, further our ability to enjoy and live life fully. In order to appreciate the sun and day, one must understand the moon and night. It's this comparison and contrast that makes each day so beautiful.

Death education has a similar value, and provides an added incentive for society. When we each deal with our own mortality, we cannot help but happen upon questions of purpose, meaning, and spirituality in our lives as well. When we address questions about the end of life, we soon begin to appreciate the importance of the rest of life. The moral rewards to society would be noteworthy. The process of death education, by its very nature, also leads us to examine how to best live a full and meaningful life within a moral and spiritual context. If we each have the courage to accept our mortality and our own eventual death, then our children and those who follow behind, will have the courage to live their own lives more fully. That, in essence, is the importance of dying. And that ’s a sexy thought!

[This article is by Dr. J. Davis Mannino and originally appeared in the community newspaper We The People. All Rights Reserved by the author.]