Thought Provoking Question #2

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 To be remembered after we are dead,  
is but poor recompense for being treated  
with contempt while we are living.  

                                                        -William Hazlitt (1778–1830) English Essayist  
                                                                             Characteristics: In the Manner of Rochefoucault’s Maxims 

Losses Among The Living 

When we think about losses in our life, we generally think about death. Whether it is a parent or other family member, a partner, a friend, or even a pet, death is the vision we see. But there are many other losses in our life that, in some ways, can be as traumatic for us as death and dying.  

Some of these losses in their extreme forms are bankruptcy, unemployment, substance abuse, child abuse, domestic violence, sickness and disability, homelessness, and relationship break-ups, These losses are all part of the "stressors and crises" of living. In 1958, Reuben Hill developed the ABCX model for better understanding family stress. A is the stressor event and the hardships it produces, B is how we cope with the stress, C is how we define the stress. How A, B, and C interact together to produce the crisis, is called X. This model helps to explain why some people collapse under a particular stressor while others thrive under it. Based on this model, we have come to better understand some of the important stressors in our lives. What are some of these "living losses?"  

Money - A 1987 Gallop poll noted that 15% of Americans worried about family finances "all the time," and another 16% "most of the time." If loss of income is a regular issue for you there are good self-help books out there for you to read. An excellent one is Money Troubles published by NOLO Press in Berkeley. Also check your white pages for helpful consumer agencies. You can also find a wealth of information on marriage and finance at the Website www.go.com/.  

Alcohol Abuse - About two-thirds of Americans drink to some extent and of these 14 million are problem drinkers. One in five Americans who drinks everyday has other related family and personal problems. The National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence is a fine resource. Their Webpage is at http://www.ncadd.org/.  

Domestic Violence - Next to death and partner breakups, family violence is the most difficult experience people have to cope with. A national survey showed that 19 parents per 1,000 used abusive violence against children and 30 per 1000 men acknowledged beating their wives. The lesbian and gay communities have their share of violence also. Because of a history of being social victims they are less willing to report when they themselves are personal victims of domestic abuse and violence. Research is very spotty, but beginning to emerge. What can be seen in the few studies available is that domestic violence is at about the same rate as national averages.  

Every county has domestic violence programs listed in the white pages. A good national resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Their Website is located at http://www.ndvh.org/.  

Child Abuse - When researchers include violence from siblings as well as from parents, they conclude that among children ages 3-17, nearly one child in twenty-two is abused by a family member. A child’s chance of being kidnapped or molested by a stranger are minuscule compared to that of being abused. A national resource is the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse (NCPCA) at 312-663-3520. Their Website is http://www.childabuse.org/. Every county is required by law to have a Child Protective Services (CPS) investigation unit. They are listed under child abuse or family and children’s’ services in the white pages.  

Relationship Break-Ups - In a review of nine studies of why heterosexual couples broke up, eight of them mentioned extramarital sex. How this translates for the gay community, where relationships are based more on a "best friend" model, and are either closed or open in terms of sexual fidelity, is hard to figure in. What is known is that the major complaint in failing relationships is "lack of communication." Relationships seem to fester into break-up. The sad news is about half of all marriages now end in divorce at some point. Less than a third of Americans married have not been divorced. Since 1974 more marriages ended in divorce than occur than through death of a spouse. Within the lesbian and gay community one study found that between 40-60% of gay men and 45-80% of lesbians are involved in a steady relationship. Furthermore, many gay men and lesbians establish lifelong partnerships. For those experiencing a loss from relationship break-up, there are many self-help books, groups, and counselors available to assist you. A good Internet source is located at http://www.innerself.com/.  

As we have seen there are many "living losses" that test the mettle and courage in each of us. How we master our coping skills and weather these crises, is in great measure a barometer of whether we flourish or merely survive in life.  

[This article is by Dr. J. Davis Mannino and originally appeared in the community newspaper We The People. All Rights Reserved by the author.]