For many, this knowledge would trigger a fear of missing out — popularly acronymized as FOMO. But emerging research suggests that missing out need not be something we fear, but something we can enjoy.
For better mental health this year, try reframing those feelings of FOMO and instead, try finding JOMO — the joy of missing out.
“JOMO reminds us that we can not only not fear that we are missing something important, but actually enjoy missing something,” said Tali GazitLinks to an external site., an associate professor of information science at Israel’s Bar-Ilan University.
The research into JOMO is nascent and focuses on the effects ofsocial media. But we can find JOMO in the rest of our lives, too, by choosing when we want to step away. JOMO can feel rejuvenating because it helps us stop being preoccupied with other people.
“JOMO is actually being able to be in the here and now,” Gazit said. “To be able to enjoy what you are doing now without looking left and right and be jealous or anxious about missing something.”
FOMO — a human condition exacerbated by social media
The fear embodied in FOMO is a social one. Humans have dealt with it since we realized that there were opportunities being missed, fun not being had and Joneses needing to be kept up with. But the rise of social media meant that FOMO arose in public consciousness and vocabulary.
“FOMO existed before social media did, but it just wasn’t such a salient part of our experience,” said Chris BarryLinks to an external site., a psychology professor at Washington State University.
With the advent of social media, we were granted the profound ability to constantly see the highlight reel of everyone’s life — and all the possibilities for self-comparison. Research showsLinks to an external site. that higher levels of FOMO are associated with lower self-esteem, lower life satisfaction and more loneliness.
“We’re exposed to more people that we don’t know, we don’t really know their stories,” Gazit said. “We are not familiar with the complexity of their lives, and everything looks so great in others’ life experiences.”
How a social media outage brought joy
Oct. 4, 2021, is not a day that will live in infamy. But for several hoursLinks to an external site., Facebook, Instagram, Messenger and WhatsApp went down, disrupting the lives of billions of people.
The outage also served as a serendipitous natural experiment on how people emotionally respond to being away from social media. Most studies rely on requesting and trusting people to abstain from their smartphones and computers. The outage was annoying for users,but for researchers interested in human behavior, “we got it as a present,” Gazit said.
In the two days following the outage, Gazit and her graduate student Tal Eitan recruited 571 adults to answer a questionnaire assessing their feelings about the experience.
Initially, the researchers expected to uncover feelings of stress and FOMO, which they did indeed find in spades. In support of previous research, FOMO was significantly correlated to stress felt and thelevel of social media usageLinks to an external site.people normally had.
But unexpectedly, in the optional open-ended questions, many people wrote about the relief and joy they felt not being connected to social media and the goings-on of others, the 2023 studyLinks to an external site. reported.
“A large amount of people really enjoyed themselves, and they found themselves talking to their partners, talking to their friends and doing things, cooking, doing sports,” Gazit said.
How to cultivate more JOMO in your life
Social connectionLinks to an external site. is healthy, and social media, for its many flaws and foibles, provides a means for connection. JOMO is not about eschewing those connections entirely or self-isolating from others, Barry said. Instead, it is intentionally cultivating periods of disconnection and solitudeLinks to an external site. for recharging and rejuvenation.
Make regular plans to disconnect:The key to true JOMO may be intentionality. The Facebook outage was not expected and still fostered JOMO in some people. But in a forthcoming publication, Gazit found that people who purposefully stepped away from social media had higher psychological well-being compared with those who did not actively decide to, such as being asked to put away their phone in class.
Use coping strategies: To reduce the allure of social media, try protective behavioral strategies — inspired byaddiction researchLinks to an external site.— such as turning off notifications, setting limits on certain apps or turning off your device at night, Barry said.
Be mindful when using social media: Cultivating JOMO doesn’t mean a social media detox or complete disconnection from the lives of others. Instead, be moremindfulLinks to an external site.of how you use social media and“think through what emotions you’re experiencing as you’re seeing different content and considering what’s beneficial or not,” Barry said.
Be aware when you’re focused on others: “Most of the time we’re just so occupied with others’ lives,” said Gazit, who named her new golden retriever Jomo. Make a conscious effort to set aside time to “be occupied with your own life,” she said.
Remind yourself that everybody misses out on something: The world is too rich, vast and varied for one person to experience in a lifetime, no matter how hard we try not to miss out. Appreciate andsavor the joyLinks to an external site.in what you are doing, whether with a loved one or by yourself, without thinking about what others may be doing.
By Karen Heller. December 23, 2023 at 6:00 a.m. EST
Sometime in recent history, possibly around 2004, Americans forgot to have fun, true fun, as though they’d misplaced it like a sock.
Instead, fun evolved into work, sometimes more than true work, which is where we find ourselves now.
Fun is often emphatic, exhausting, scheduled, pigeonholed, hyped, forced and performative. Adults assiduously record themselves appearing to have something masquerading as “fun,” a fusillade of Coachellic micro social aggressions unleashed on multiple social media platforms. Look at me having so much FUN!
Which means it is nothing of the sort. This is the drag equivalent of fun and suggests that fun is done.
Weddings have morphed into multistage stress extravaganzas while doubling as express paths to insolvency: destination proposals for the whole family, destination bachelorette and bachelor blowouts, destination weddings in remote barns with limited lodging, something called a “buddymoon” (bring the gang!) and planners to help facilitate the same custom cocktailsness of it all. When weddings involve this much travel, pedicabs, custom T-shirts and port-a-potties, they’ve become many things, but fun is not one of them.
Retirements must be purposeful. Also, occasions for an acute identity crisis. You need to have a plan, a mission, a coachLinks to an external site., a packed color-coded grid of daily activities in a culture where our jobs are our identities, our worth tied to employment.
The beach is no longer a day at one, an oasis of rest and relaxation. Vacationers feel the need to plant a chair — make that eight — at sunrise before transporting 220 pounds of stuff in a Buick-sized beach wagonLinks to an external site., which is also a thing that used not to exist when a bucket, a book and a towel were enough. And still most people stare at their phones instead of the water.
“I feel like I should be having more fun than I’m actually having,” says Alyssa Alvarez, a social media marketing manager and DJ in Detroit, expressing a sentiment that many share. “There are expectations of what I want people to believe that my life is like rather than what my life is actually like.”
Newly single after an eight-year relationship, Alvarez feels she lacks a true friend group. “I’m addicted to my phone. You live in this social realm, using it as a social crutch instead of making true connections,” she says.
Mind you, Alvarez is 27. For eons, early adulthood was considered an age of peak fun. Now, according to several studiesLinks to an external site., it’s a protracted state of anxiety and depression.
“I feel like I should be having more fun than I’m actually having”
— Alyssa Alvarez, 27
Because there is now a coach for everything, Alvarez hired the “party coachLinks to an external site.” Evan Cudworth, taking his $497 course this fall on how to pursue “intentional fun.” (It now costs $555.) Cudworth meets with students biweekly, assigns podcasts, asks them to journal, and teaches them how to regulate their impulses and explore new outlets for fun.
How did this happen? How did fun come to take a back seat to almost everything? There is plenty of blame to go around, sort of like — spoiler alert — “Murder on the Orient Express” or our current Congress.
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Blame it on an American culture that values work, productivity, power, wealth, status and more work over leisure. Italians celebrate dolce far niente, the sweetness of doing nothing. Americans reward the sweat of doing everything ASAP.
Blame it on technological advances that tether us to work without cessation. Blame it on the pandemic, which exacerbated so much while delivering Zoomageddon. Blame it on 2004, with the advent of Facebook, which led to Twitter (okay, X), Instagram, Threads, TikTok and who-knows-what lurking in the ether.
Blame it again on 2004 and the introduction of FOMO, our dread of missing out, broadcast through multiple social media spigots, allowing us to follow/stalk prettier, richer people having oodles of fun in fabulous places while doing irreparable damage to our free time, self-esteem and ability to experience joy.
“So many people are retreating into their phones, into anxiety,” says Cudworth, 37, from Chicago. “I’m helping people rediscover what fun means to them.” He hosts a virtual KnowFun social health club, helping clients experience joy while sober. Cudworth is a former college-prep coach, customer engagement officer, marketing director, college admissions staffer, host of a full-moon gathering and serious fan of raves and underground music.
His mandate is redefining fun: cutting back on bingeing screen time, eradicating envy scrolling, getting outside, moving, dancing. “With technology, we don’t allow ourselves to be present. You’re always thinking ‘something is better around the corner,’” Cudworth says, the now squandered in pursuit of the future.
“The world is so much less about human connection,” says Amanda Richards, 34, who works in casting in Los Angeles and is a graduate of Cudworth’s course. “We do more things virtually. People are more isolated. And there’s all this toxic positivity to convince people of how happy you are.”
How do Americans spend their leisure hours when they might be having fun with others, making those vital in-person connections? Watching television, our favoritefree time and “sports activity” Links to an external site.(yes, that’s how it’s classified), according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, an average of 2.8 hours daily.
“That’s way more television than you really need. Weput play on the back burner,” says Pat Rumbaugh, 65, of Takoma Park, Md. She’s “The Play Lady,” Links to an external site.who organizes unorganized play for adults. Rumbaugh isalso a fan of getting dirty (literally, with dirt), dress-up boxes and sidewalk chalk for grown-ups.
Price plans to launch a “funtervention” in January on her “How to Feel Alive” SubstackLinks to an external site., with exercises and tips on having more fun to help start the year with a resolution that, unlike diets and exercise, people may keep. These include prioritizing “fun magnets” (people, activities and settings that make us happy rather than things we think we should do for fun), identifying a new experience for the new year, and taking a digital Sabbath from screens.
Price takes fun seriously, designing a fun framework called SPARK, which stands for space, pursue passions, attract fun, rebel, and keep at it.She distinguishes between Fake Fun, which she defines as often passive and done too frequently (television, phone, “activities and products that are marketed to us as fun”) and True Fun, actually Venn diagramingLinks to an external site. the latter.
To Price, True Fun is the confluence of connection (other people, nature), playfulness (lightheartedness, freedom) and flow (being fully engaged, present), which is not as challenging as it sounds. “You can have fun in any context. Playfulness is about an attitude,” she says.
Similarly, Todd Davis, 66, of Scottsdale, Ariz., says, “I don’t think having fun is a matter of finding time. I think it’s an emotion.”
Davis is a corporate fun coach and author of “Fun at Work,”Links to an external site. which sound like oxymorons. But, once upon a time, workplaces could be fun, as opposed to offices that are designed to appear fun (look, wood accents, free Kind bars) so that people will spend everywaking hour there. Back in the day, co-workers were friends. (Sometimes, more.) After hours, they gathered for drinks, played softball. Today, because of email, Slack and remote work, offices are half empty and far quieter than librariesLinks to an external site..
“We go to work and there’s no sense of connection and camaraderie,” says Davis, who was long employed by his city’s department of parks and recreation. “People feel emotionally disconnected. Healthy conversations are the precursor of fun. We’ve lost the art of communication. Our spirit comes home with us. If you don’t communicate at work, what are you coming home with?”
Cathy Wasner, 54, is a consultant in North Jersey who took Davis’s multiday program. For years, work took precedence in her life, a situation she’s tryingto correct. “Spontaneity has totally gone out the window,” she says. “For me, fun is kind of putting myself first, being intentional about getting together with friends, self-care. You have to make sure to do the things that feed your soul.”
Meanwhile, Alvarez, the Detroit social media marketing manager and DJ, says: “I’ve changed the need to put so much pressure on myself to socialize, to feel the need to create content.” As a millennial hyphenate, she is training with Cudworth to become a party coach herself.
“There’s this feeling that we’re not doing much, yet we’re burned out at the same time,” says Cudworth. “There’s a lot of shame involved in this, people telling themselves, ‘I don’t know how to have fun. It’s not working for me.’”
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